someone owes me an orgasm
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
