I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
