she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
