I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
