Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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