insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
