He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize