I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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