If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
