No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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