she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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