someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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