i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
