Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
