the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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