my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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