Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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