His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
