bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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