I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
