are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
