White coat. Heels.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
