Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
