Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
