dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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