i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize