I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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