just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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