WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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