I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
