Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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