and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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