Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
