We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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