Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
not ubering you a puppy
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
