Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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