Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
