Are we in a gay sports bar?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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