i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
