I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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