she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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