we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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