if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
