There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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