i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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