It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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