My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
