He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
