honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Green mimosas i think yes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
