you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
