Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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