Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
