I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
