I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
