I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
FUCK WHALES
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize