The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
