I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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