In the future we'll all be gay
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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